Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xidaer's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 29th, 2009
12:10 am	The other night I went to a kink party. I was tired and stressed, but determined to have a good time. I had been packing up my dorm room for the final time, dealing with my family and extended relatives who had come for my graduation, and in general stressing over how to get my 'stuff' home to Texas. This is not the best way to go to a party- carrying extra baggage as well as physically a heavy toy bag since I'd put all my gear into one suitcase. Still I went. Fern was amazing, drove me there when my boy decided he'd rather sleep, and even stopped so I could grab dinner. To the fun tales! So we got there, lounged, chatted, listened to people chatting. It was a low-key, semi-private affair to begin with. Ok, it was school girl themed- I owned a plaid skirt that was god-awful so I finally threw it out- so I've just changed into this micro black skirt I own which happens to have a 'school' crest on it, a mesh top over my fancy Israeli bra and black panties. Did I mention I had pigtails? Even outfitted I was still not there, not in the bdsm zone. a scene started, the guest of honor getting her back and ass flogged and smacked among other such torments by a gorgeous top. He was decent looking out of the scene- kind of a broad librarian, tech guy look. Very nice and nerdy- he showed a group of us his favorite image files he'd saved from the internet and 4chan's b/- neat stuff. But when he put on his mask (only the lower half of his face was covered-- ninja style) and his leather gloves- wooo boy! smexy, dangerous! his entire demeanor changed- his steps were more forceful, his stride longer, he was silent and his eyes took center stage. So Fern, the rest and I went in to watch. Despite this inspiration though I still was rather subdued. There's this cage- it's built under a padded table they've at the play space. Most of the time people just use the padded top to play on, but occasionally a person or two will get locked in the cage. That night the cage is what fascinated me. I just went over to it and just kept touching the door and examining the inside of it. finally Fern asked if I wanted to get inside, which sort of freed me to do so. I had issues getting settled- I kept kicking the door open until finally Fern and another man who was there finally locked it instead of just closing it. The space inside was very comforting, very confining. I couldn't sit up straight, couldn't lay full out, but I was comfortable enough curled up and I had enough room to maneuver if I wanted to swap directions. There were two small cushions, maybe 1x1 squares and a doubled over length of fuzzy red fabric that served as padding for the wooden bottom of the cage. I'd been in a cage before- back in DC- but that was different. That was cage dancing. A purely metal cage that I put myself in, locked my own door, and danced for my own pleasure and the pleasure of knowing people enjoyed watching me dance. It was a cage that was only slightly smaller than a few I'd danced in back in certain night clubs months (and years) back. More of a phone booth than a bathroom stall in size. I could stretch while in this table cage I could not. Fern sat atop the cage, and chatted with another person although I couldn't make out the words, and I was content. The guest bed in my grandmother's house has a wooden frame- like an over sized daybed that forgot full sized twins don't have a wooden backing like a couch. I used to lay in that bed and imagine that the open side would become boxed in while I slept and a top would suddenly appear and I'd be crated off to some other world. The important part was to be boxed up- it didn't really matter where I went or who did it (although at the time it was almost always aliens who would experiment on me for their nefarious purposes- strange but not too far from kink in the gist of things) My disappointment for it never coming true was like a missing tooth- you know it's not coming back, but you wish it would and can't stop poking at it. So I guess it's not so odd that being in the cage this past weekend was a great comfort to me. If I ever have the space, the money and the person to lock me up, I definitely want one-- although I'm uncertain as to the size. Eventually Fern was distracted by the violet wand and asked if I wanted to play- by this point, I was relaxed enough to say yes. Perhaps I'll tell about that later- for now? Sleep. g'night and may you all find the cages you desire. xidaer Current Music: Cake- comfort eagle (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 19th, 2009
12:18 am	flights of fancy- yay poems! Skin cries out to me, and the urge to bite, to suck, to mark that man who sits next to me in class fights my common sense. I leave my seat, push his papers aside- the class stares, he looks up at me startled, I pull up the moving desktop and straddle his lap, hand pushing his shoulders back “I just had to do this” and I bite his neck, on his right side- and he jerks under me, his hands go to my hips- pushing me away even as his hips come up to press against my crotch, The professor yells my name- asks if I’m out of my mind, tells me to stop, to get out of her classroom. I awkwardly swing off of his lap- pressing my hands into his shoulders for leverage, I grab my purse and run for the door- but pause to look back at my classmate. I don’t even know his name. -(false, btw) I’m heading to class- I’ve only ten minutes to get there now. I’m in the basement, in the hangout spot for all the queers and friends and student workers who think we’re awesome, I spent all afternoon here, sitting on the couches, with their black and tan cushions, comfortable, matching, sitting under the sea foam green walls, I’m hugging my goodbyes- and you hug me and give me a sultry look You do it because you’re funny, because you know it gets a rise, You run your nails up behind my neck and dig them in at either side of the nape You claw at that spot, just past the hairline, where my skull meets the spine, And I melt, My eyes flutter closed and I start to fall backwards, And you shift, grab my arms before I go too far- yanking me upright, Even though I’ve only lent back a little, We hug, causal again, “I hate you,” I say as you sit next to the office aide, bragging you know how to turn me on. You know all too well, damn you, Such useless knowledge for a gay man, Unless of course you want me to be eternally unsatisfied- In that, you’re the best. -(not actually false, although a bit exaggerated) I hold her in my arms, the girl I left behind I left her for a boy, and all the wiles he has I hold her in my arms as she laments what we have lost Why we parted and why we started and why she hasn’t found another love She doesn’t say she loves me, I don’t think she does. But I know she misses touch, and touch comes easily to me, I wonder if I’m right to hold her now- it’s not exactly innocent, I left her for sex, the one thing we never had, and I wonder if it was worth it But in the end, I know I’d do it again. -(not false, though I'm a horrible person to myself because of that) I hurt him, because he wanted me to, I snapped rubber bands on his skin making red marks Playing tic-tac-toe on his chest Making ladders up his thighs Counting down from 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and releasing the tension over his flat nipples He moaned so beautifully, and smiled at the pain, I laughed, because I smile too when we’re reversed -(So flipping true!) Stalker, yet I like you, Stalker, why do you make me feel bad for avoiding you? Stalker, I’m taken, stop offering, Stop sending me texts, Stop visiting my room, Stop trying to make lunch dates, Stop talking to me online, Stalker, I don’t want to see you, Stalker, I’m honest- I like you, but I can’t stand you, Stalker, I’m honest- before you chased so desperately I was interested Stalker, I need some time before I call you Friend again. you make me want to cry frustrated, confused, chemistry shouldn’t exist here, so just go away, because I’m not letting it live with me anymore. Goodbye Stalker, Goodbye Friend -(unfortunately true) Black top hat, with a band of purple ribbon and a bright, fake lilac blossom, matching lilac corset trimmed with black lace, driving up pale breasts, above the swells breaks chrome spikes from a black leather band, a shiny collar to frame the face- painted with just a touch of eyeliner, elbow length gloves, black to fit the theme, a skirt the flows to the knee but billows at a turn and the heels are almost lost- the purple and black striped stockings draw the eye far more. It's a funny outfit for brunch, but then I think it suits the waffles rather well. -(because dress up *would* be fun) Current Music: pandora: placebo station (Comment on this)
Monday, March 16th, 2009
6:12 pm	beating up boys and lacking motativation How's this for a rant? I went to DC and marked the hell out of an acquaintance of mine- although all things considered I'd probably call him friend or whatever it is you call people that you've been intimate with although not in the lover sense. Rubber bands leave a lovely red stripe- and if overlapped even bruise. And I marked him all over his front- did itty bitty spider up his thighs leaving /\/\/\ pattern all the way up. Played tic-tac-toe on his chest- I won, although I'll mark that up (pun intended) to him being quite distracted. It was fun, it was sexy, I want to do more. Afterward he introduced me to another man, a foot fetishist. We chatted, and he rubbed my feet. Eventually he laid on the floor in front of my chair (a throne, how appropriate) so I could laid my feet on him- smother him I guess. I had one foot planted on his chest and another rubbing his manhood (as the romance novels put it) and thighs through his jeans. It was oddly satisfying because he was obviously enjoying himself. Would I do it again? Probably. Would I seek it out? probably not. Anyway that ended after not too long, just sort of wound down. I spent time with the 'littles' the adults who play at being little kids- colored, had a story time (the saggy-baggy elephant fyi), and just hung out for a bit. Then I met up again with my host, chatted with people and placed myself in a cage. I heart cage dancing- it just is fun. I'd like to do it as often as can, but there aren't a lot of cages around. I got some looks, a few people actually stood and watched, mostly older men, but I had fun so that was what mattered. Unfortunately the music soon changed and it wasn't really dance worthy. So I went home with my host, watched SNL on his DVR and had another scene, which I won't describe here but suffice to say I got off and felt extremely sexy afterward. I came home all smiles, all but jumped my boy when I got off the plane. But now i'm back at school, and the real world descends upon me and I don't want it anymore. I just want a simple job, a set schedule. I don't want classes or confusion. Maybe it's top drop- going from all powerful to back in the real world, maybe I just want to be a kid again and not deal with this stuff. Anyway- I need to write a couple of 500 essays tonight. Wish me luck Xidaer Current Music: britney spears (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
1:07 am	success and set backs in Australia So here's the latest numbers in the great race for 10,000 steps a day. last tracked was at 12/8 (Monday) clocking in at 13021 since then the numbers are as follows- 12/9 10023 12/10 16059 12/11 11429 12/12 13723 12/13 5516 12/14 4000 12/15 10268 So in total the last 7 days add up to 71018, approximately 10000 a day! So I've got 5 out of 7 actually at or above the goal, and two days of high levels above goal. I'm counting this a success and I've already read the the book which was my reward. GO me! So this week my goal is to match or exceed this previous week's numbers, and be mindful of my eating. The setbacks in this step counting is it doesn't take into account the other things that went on those days. On 12/10 I did a lot of drinking, not hang over bad but definitely a lot of empty calories. On 12/12 I donated double reds (a lot of blood) and thus ate a ton of cookies because I "needed to keep my blood sugar up" 13 and 14 (Saturday and Sunday) I was half on my ass from the blood loss and also was running around for about an hour on Saturday night without pants (and thus without step counter) trying oh so willingly to get my ass beat by the lovely Fern. As for the non-food- other weird stuff that occurred over the last week? I necked a man who isn't my fiance- very enjoyable but within limits- no kissing, no groping, and he wasn't allowed to bite or do anything to me. I really do enjoy biting the hell outta people. I got invited to a secret kinky party with Fern after our scene on Saturday- hell having a scene with Fern was weird though kicked freakin' ass. Not enough pain for my taste (Fern is still finding her way with percussion toys) but humiliation in spades- dancing in a pretty bra and rainbow covered knickers at her command- being made to answer her loudly and clearly for everyone who was around, watching people watch me- oh my goodness hot but I swear I was blushing the entire bloody time. Not that it was all (porno?) movie perfect. At one point she told me to dance just as the music stopped- and another where she ordered me to wait for the beat to start and it never did! Seriously who puts slow bass-less techno on in a dungeon? Fern kept her composure though- didn't laugh although she wanted to. Don't know how she's going to take the invitation to that weekend party though- we're friends, not lovers and not owner/slave. I wouldn't mind going as long as the time didn't fuck with anything else but going to a party with Fern but without my boy? A) weird and B) asking for trouble! See the above necking- I'm a good girl in that I kept my lips to myself and my legs closed but that doesn't mean I wasn't horny as fuck walking home. If I was alone, even with Fern, over a weekend with kinky people- one lady who gives very long and through hugs- I think I'd have trouble keeping my pants on. With women it's not such a big deal- I've got permission to do what I'd like with them- but I don't know who's going to be at the party and what is supposed to go on there. God I'm a pansy. I really want to go, but not by myself. I don't think fern will consent to attending. I wouldn't mind fucking the striped stocking, long hugs lady. That sums up the situation pretty well. Beyond those bits and pieces? I head to Canada on Friday after my exam in Developmental Bio- hopefully I'll be able to keep up my "conquest of Australia" even while in a foreign country (and more importantly my parents' house). Floor meeting is later tonight (12/16) and I'm looking forward to it. And I have about a half dozen gym partners for Wednesday afternoon- seriously it's turned into a regular shindig! Oh- I'm trying Chobani greek yogurt this week for breakfast on Becca's advice- high protein (~25% daily value) with only 20grams of sugar and 140 calories. Watch out for next week's report when I come to you live from the wild frozen plains of Canadia. Until then, the continually questing, Xidaer (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
1:33 am	new plans to conquer australia! Or something like that... So I've been running the step counter for the last week- doing pretty well. numbers are as follows: starting 12/3/08 3030 11040 4612 10028 6000 5777 13021 So let see why the numbers are what they are- 3030- was only a half day (wednesday) thursday i'm in classes, friday I wasn't and I might have been wearing the pedometer weird on my overalls... Saturday (6000) I spent most of the day naked at brendan's house not counting steps- but then upped the number because I had an audition so was dancing for 30 minutes, Sunday was a lazy day too although the number is higher cuz I bounced my leg a lot in the evening to get the numbers up. Then today (12/8/08)- 13021- I was in class, going to the dentist and walking all over creation. So pedometer is up to date. I'm going to *try* to update this every 7 days or so, because it's too much work trying to find the numbers by twitter even though that's where I've been recording them. I'm trying something new- a new baby step toward healthy living each week. Last week was wearing and recording the pedometer consistently. This week is to eat food out of my fridge at least 2 meals a day instead of buying bigger meals or snacks on campus- and keep up with the pedometer. The reward? The next Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Novel is mine to read. I already bought it (I did do 7 days on steps) but I can't read it until I hit 7 straight days of 10000+ steps. My idea for the week after that? Keeping up with the water intake, pedometer and fridge food. If I can keep the numbers up (in all respects) then the 3rd novel is mine for the plane ride to my parents' place in Canada. Now Canada is going to be the bugger- my folks lead a rather sedentary life up there so I'm going to have to work extra hard to get 10000+ steps, not to mention my goal for that week would have to be eat on a schedule rather than whatever, whenever which is what I'm used to. I'll be your faithful reporter on these little steps- hopefully this will work better than my old attempts.... faithfully yours, xidaer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
7:37 pm	twitter I've discovered the joys of twitter and just thought I'd use live journal as an extension of it when i want to explain something in more detail. Such as pirate coffee and cheap wedding dresses. So went out with lotus today, and she's recently quit her job fun as it was and is trying her hand at internet businesses. One of which is coffeeforpirates.com so she took me, pirate extraordinarie, to interview random austin people about if they have enough pirate in their coffee. Fun times. We're hoping to do it again on wednesday night over at austin's body choir. and as for wedding dresses- it's another of her business ideas- direct from manufacters mean lower costs which as a dear friend- or at least a person willing to do model photos *and* a friend- she's willing to give a discount. Yay! anyway. I'll be twittering a bunch now so if you're into that look up my sn- xidaer same everywhere I guess. much love,peace out, xidaer (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
12:04 am	more writing noncontinuous They've gone dutch on the first date. Alice clinked the change from the diner bill into an old empty tin of hot chocolate when she finally got home. Without a roommate to share the tiny flat, Alice could only collapse on her second-hand gray couch and relate the tale to her beta fish, George. "So, Mark's okay. Kind of dork but okay. I get downstairs and he's got this gorgeous orange daisy for me. Then I realize he's grabbed it from one of the complex's planters on the way in- cheap, but sweet. Resourceful even." Alice sighs and taps on the glass of the tank. "You would have liked the diner I think- He got couscous that I would swear came out of your food cup. Great coffee though, never ending and always hot. Yeah I know, I'm avoiding the juicy bits, you skanky fish you... he's decent. Got a job at a Jan's books and bots, picking up a few grad courses at Uni in CompSci- has potential to be some fun." tbc I'm wiped, I'll finish both this bits by Friday. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
6:44 pm	Story- writing exercise Alice sat on the edge of the worn gray couch gripping her hands together between her knees waiting her husband’s return. She was going to have the conversation with Mark tonight. She had promised herself that. The reflection of the tv screen was a dark mirror where she could view the door without actually watching- like a fictional tv program that you could turn off if it got too violent or scary. Click, his key in the lock, and the door opened. Tall and blond with short hair and a neat goatee and mustache Mark’s green eyes looked confused as he entered the dim apartment. “Alice?” “In here” “Ah, didn’t see you. Thought you might have gone out.” A pause, “Are you okay?” That worried line had appeared as if summoned on his forehead as he took in her twisted seat. Uncurling from the knot she’d formed on the couch, Alice pushed back her curls from her face, “We need to talk.” “Oh,” mark’s face fell. After three years, here it was. The Talk. Voices ran rampant, was she breaking up with him? Had she found out about that Canadian girl, Sara, from a year ago? It could just be the towels in the bathroom. he had left them, again, this morning- but, no, she looked more serious than that. Had she found someone new? A girl? Alice had always said her college days were just an experiment but Mark knew he hadn’t gotten half of the stories out of her. Maybe there had been a fire- a quick glance, a sniff, well no fire here anyway. Alice told herself to take deep breaths, this was completely normal, right? ‘Just don’t cry’ like that mantra ever worked- "Just sit down, ok?" She turned her head away from him as he sat. Acting as if she was going to break mark reached out to put his arms around her. "Just don't." Alice said, shrugging him off. "What do you want me to do? I come home to find you here, in the dark, near tears on the couch and you don't want me to freak out? What is this about?" "It's just so hard..." so much for that inter mantra. "What's so hard, Alice? Dammit just tell me!" tbc (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 15th, 2008
4:04 pm	my wonderful boy No sarcasm in that title- i fail to mention in the last several posts how close he's been to me in all these time and how much I've probably been pissing him off. He was the one who took me to the movies last Friday when his game was canceled- and then put up with me frowning over what he thought was a good movie. On Saturday when I got back from Niagara, he was willing to come from a full day at work to watch the movies with me at BDSM movie night. He was absolutely charming there, and I was a complete ass and kept hitting him over remarks that I don't even remember. Not only that but instead of waiting for him at the school so we could go together, I jumped in the car and went with a friend- reasonable in my mind best this way I could give him directions there, but his phone died and it turned into a mess. When he finally got there he didn't complain a bit about it, or about me stuffing my face. He cuddled me more than any of the other couples there were cuddling and made comments softly to me about the movie (both then and on Friday) which made me smile. When we went out on Sunday to a friend's birthday he was extremely gracious about losing in air hockey (mostly because he was too offensive to my massive defense and accidentally hit his own goal multiply times) And then wasn't even upset about not getting to play lazer tag. He continually rubbed my shoulders and back which prompted my comment "had he read my livejournal?" because it was sweet and *obviously* he needed to be prompted to sweetness through jealousy over Sela (read sarcasm here). In the car ride over to go-karting he saw right through my funk about not getting ladies and offered, I'm not sure in what seriousness, to call off the engagement so I can get laid. And now that he did read what were highly sleep deprived rantings after frustrating encounters with sexy, teasing women he wants to have a 'talk' And I'm worried. I want to stay committed to him- despite my bisexual insanity he's my guy gosh darn it and this ring means something to me. I never considered how exactly this makes him feel. With all the women I was with over the summer- he got very out of sorts- depressed even, because here i was out on the town and he was stuck at home. I remember a call from him over the summer and he was all dolled up- jewelry and black clubbing finery- and he was just bumming around at home. I need to take him out tonight, like feed him and sex him up and make him talk to me about the 'rules' we've set up and if they are working for both of us. peace! Zombified xidaer (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 14th, 2008
1:49 am	Continuation on a theme So back to the rant-- this time with a bit more sleep in me. So school- ACK! Originally my schedule was fairly light- one lab class, one liberal arts and a few fun courses. Then I met with my academic adviser and was convinced to take genomics. Subsequently in order to get into that lab course I had to drop my liberal arts, an exercise course and took on a half hour overlap with bacterial and host interaction. But this is all boring exposition-- What the real issue is that I'm taking two science labs when I should be taking an easy and fun liberal arts and kayaking! It's my senior year and I'm burnt out in my job and on school in general- it's my fourth year living in the dorms and while my residents are wonderful as always I would rather be in an apartment with my fiance. *shrug* I'm making it through. Beyond that I'm terribly behind- I've always had trouble keeping up with the reading and I'm behind by about 6 chapters total over several courses. I keep falling asleep when I read, or getting distracted and not following through. So right now that is school in a nut shell. Tired, taking on too much and in general burnt out. On a positive note I was able to do both go out with my fellow RA staff and to the bdsm movie night- which were originally scheduled for the time slot. The movies got pushed back. sleep being the importance that it is I'm off. Night all, Xidaer (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 13th, 2008
5:31 am	Dr. horrible and self pity So I'm completely addicted to Dr. Horrible. Can't say why-- but I'm listening to it incessantly, at times putting it above sleep and homework-- which is bad. I'm having a hard time with school right now... I'm a Sr. RA, in a relationship, President of the gay alliance, and trying to deal with stuff in life. Ranting on life. Relationship-- I want to make out but not sex up with him. I really want to ravish a woman. I've got a short list of women who I find extremely attractive here, and who might let me. BUT they all are saying "oh but you have a fiance!" I'm tearing my hair out because I want to give these women orgasms but I'm getting cock blocked by the man I'm going to marry. In Texas this wasn't a problem-- I wasn't an authority figure, my boy was 1700 miles away and I was just a cool, fun-loving girl with great tits. Before this summer I'd only made love to two women- and this summer it was 3 (although one of those was a repeat on the former two) I love to please women. worship their breasts and their skin. Treat them soft until they like to be treated rough- playfully rough with biting and hair pulling. Then a hot, sweet pussy. Rawr.... and that compared to the little sex my boy and I have time for- which right now is unsatisfying as heck. Partially because we're so tired and partially because I'm looking for something very different right now. My breast are not that sensitive- and yet he sucks/pinches the nipples like it's going to make me instantly wet. He half ignores the neck and what he does to my back (he's trying on the latter) isn't quite right! It's insane! I'm lusting after girls I can't have! like Sela, gods she's a sweet thing who's taken a nip of my neck at one or two points that are instant hard-on lady style. and she's got nails that can really work my back. And she's got tits and a really responsive reaction to scratching. She's the reason I want to go to the movie night on Saturday. I'm so pathetic. I just want to tie her up and ravish her to the point of no words. As for the other girl- I can't even remember her name- but she's responsive to biting and lets me hang all over her, plus she's got that sweet meaty frame that I adore. She's sexy as hell back doesn't think so. BUT she's hung up on Brendan and that we wouldn't have a relationship. RAWR!!!! I'm being selfish but whatever. Will getting a girl make my primary relationship better? Maybe but at least I'll have this sexually frustration behind me for a while. I need a secondary lady relationship which isn't fair but it's what I want. I also miss Adeline Terribly. She could send me into Sub-space miraculously fast and could really hit me the way I liked. Brendan can hit but it's not the same- it isn't dominating or well paced. I'm more toppy/dominating than him and it's driving me nuts. I want it damn it. I want to be put in my place and just hit up. Life sucks right now, Rawr.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
11:29 pm	indulgent So details of a random life.... strike! a few things of my trip to rochacha that have only begun to strike me as things I adore. His sweetness, his caring, his compliments.... Shower, together- definitely not saving water- he with great conviction soaps my body, kneeling to soap my legs. I wash his hair. Miss him more now... Turning off the water he grabs the towels, in the bedroom I'm seated and he drys my hair. feels so indulgent, so love... On the couch he takes my brush and counts brush strokes. I haven't had my hair brushed by someone else in ages. Totally indulgent, i'm completely mad for him, but they're bittersweet as my choices for this year means that repetition is unlikely for quite a while. Only a month to go, then school, work, obligations, and him. I can't wait. *YAY* Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: pandora-ness (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
12:16 am	midnight ramblings Had a lot of phone calls tonight- skipped dancing due to a preperiod headache (joy, I'm finally getting physical as awell as emotional side affects of PMS) So here's the skinny: One Mateo is getting nookie Two Matt A from Texas is moving to NYC and working for MTV and finally found an apartment today in NJ to which I'm invited to crash when I'm in town (omg I heart friends!) Three Brad hates working his hotel job and gave me the scoop on Hillel ( they fired our frickin' awesome Rabbi and brought in a new not so lovely sounding one) AND.... is trying to plan a trip for spring break to Italy, on which I'm invited if I can get plane fare, etc scrapped together. Feelings thus far? I'm envious of Mateo cuz I just got back from a week long trip with my boy and constant nookie to nothing is very rawr to get used to. But I'm also happy for him because he's been with his girl from longer than I've been with my SO and they are still going strong. It makes me happy to hear him happy. As for my trip to see my guy, Bren is awesome! Took me on a picnic along the erie canal, mingolfing, to a drive in movie theatre, to see HELLBOY (omg, fangirl glee!!!) oh and an amazing amount of sex. He got me completely snokkered one evening on wine (red) and had his marvelous way with me- note to the world (at least in my case) drunken sex is so bloody marvelous. Wetter than the far side of Hoover, uninhibited, and uncoordinated enough so that stairs became a spontaneous sexscapede- although the bed was eventually used too. But now I'm back to work haven't gotten him on the phone since and having to babysit my uncle's animals for the next two weeks (but for a pretty penny- $350 plus food and $100 gas card) going to take Uncle to the airport tomorrow and assuming the aunt doesn't need help at the animal shelter I'll be taking care of some paperwork in the afternoon. rawr, lots of things going through my head right now but sleep is primary, lots of love, xidaer (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2008
8:56 am	berating myself I got hit on last night and it was creepy. I was at Relay for life- an all night team walk to raise money for cancer research and a guy from Hillel (Jewish) showed up and hung out with me and also his friends through out the night. He kept hugging me, which I'm hillel too so I'm used to it being a really huggy group- it's just what we do. But i kept getting the impression he was looking for sex, not overtly but more in a friendly fuck buddy kind of way And I just didn't make it clear enough that I am taken, no casual fucks required. Near the end of the night I was sore as hell because i had over stretched my back and shoulders the night before and my thighs were rubbing together like crazy so because he there and he kept hugging me anyway, I asked if he would give me a back rub during one of my breaks. Worst idea ever, one many during the night. So starts off fine, he goes ahead and suggests I lay down for it- that's cool. He kneels and starts giving me an okay massage- much too light to do any good, but okay. Then he lays down next to me because he's *tired* and keeps rubbing my back with one hand- thus my creep factor index begins to rise. He gets to the crook of my neck and shoulders which for me is a very sensitive area and he comments on that- in a very sexually oriented direction, not explicitly implying that he wants to do anything with it but in a oh that spot works for you too kind of way- so not as creepy. Then he tries to reach across to get to the other side my neck which leans his body up against mine, arm over my shoulder while lying on the ground on a sleeping bag. That where I draw the line- when i recoil he's affronted saying he only wanted to get to the other side of my shoulders to continue the massage. so I flip to my side so he can continue without pressing his body against mine. He proceeds to start to almost spoon me And that's where I sat up and said I'd feel more comfortable continuing with both of us sitting up. He of course said he was tired and couldn't or rather wouldn't do so. So Ignored that answer and proceed to give myself a head massage and he basically went away at point. Quick hug good bye and then I went to sleep as much as I was able to sleep while was blaring. At least I know now when to cut something like that off. I remember at the very beginning of last year receiving a massage from a man I found vaguely creepy and regretting that immensely. That time I wasn't nearly as wise and ended up bare back getting touched with his hands wandering to the sides of my breasts. That's where I threw him out of my room. I felt so violated- something I find casual, that i do for friends whenever i can had turned into an unwanted advance. And I felt the same thing begin to happen last night. *** i fucked up this morning, I felt really sick about 5am, chills, shaking, nausea: I'd been awake all night, walking, eating way too much junk food and had taken an energy drink- five hour energy- in order to have the stamina to walk all night. I never drink caffeinated beverages except during the 3-day-diet-of-doom and on extremely rare occasions. So it hit me hard at first- and I was up and dancing and walking for quite sometime. But the claim of no crash afterwards seems to be complete bullhocky. Violently ill- although no vomit- was the term I'd use to describe it. So I did what any sane person would do. I went home and straight to bed- i just left the gym where this was being held leaving all my stuff there because I figured I lie down for an hour or two and then come back to clean. I get into bed finally at 5:30 or so and woke at 8am. Walked over and everyone is gone. I'd missed closing, I'd missed clean up, I'd missed helping my group. So walking home I berated the fuck out of myself feeling disappointed at my actions and stupid and above all weak. I wasn't able to make it through the night. I wasn't able to deal with the loud music and I wasn't able to help my group and be there when they needed me. I went to the area office and there was my backpack and sleeping bag. At the sight I promptly sat down in a chair and continued to verbal bash myself trying to figure out why I felt so horrible about being human- knowing that my team while maybe pissed off would understand me being ill and wouldn't hold it against me. Yet even though that is most likely the case I couldn't help but feel disappointed with myself and projecting that disappointment as if all the others I left behind would feel the same way about me. I wrote them an email apologizing and also thanking them for sticking with it and bringing my things home. I feel less like emotional shit since I sent it. *sigh* I still feel rather ill though, in term of physicality. Rawr, I haven't done any homework yet this weekend, there is a munch I kind of want to go to, yet don't as I'm feeling so crappy. And I want an instant answer as to what to do with my life- but that isn't going to happen so I figure I should just go to bed for now. as always yours Xidaer Current Mood: and feeling sick Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 19th, 2008
12:07 pm	feather dusters and brooms So.... I'm a part of a bdsm group on campus- we aren't official just run through facebook- oh the joys of facebook. Anyway, we held an event last night: a Yankee swap followed but a Q&A session with some members of the area bdsm group. Really great people- very open and informative and I think our group members took a lot away about the lifestyle today as well as some red flags to look out for when getting involved. Only 8 people brought items for the swap out of the 15-20 or so who showed up for the event, myself included. For those not in the know or in case I forget, a Yankee swap (also known as a white elephant gift exchange) is where all the guest buy a small item for the party then each gets a numbered card. Person #1 gets to pick any item from the pile to unwrap- then #2 picks and unwraps. Then #2 has the option of swapping gifts with #1. The numbers continue until there are no more guests then #1 can swap with anyone else (as they didn't have the chance to swap before) Anyway- no one swapped last night, we were all pretty happy with what we picked in the first place. Our gifts were pervertibles- normal household items that most people wouldn't second glance yet can be perverted to oh so kinky means. I received a static duster (like a feather duster but more rod like) in rainbow colors and two plastic broom ends- one with red and the other with white bristles. I brought sleep mask, bandanna, and two different brushes- a styling pick and a wooden-handled soft-bristled brush. Then after the party broke up around 11 or so, I got to play. Let me summarize my day- I had had a physics exam, then immediately after had work for two hours. Straight from work I went to the Drag show preliminary rounds- I'd been in costume (overalls and a button up shirt) all day as I knew I wouldn't have time to change. It was gorgeous out yesterday- but much hotter than normal so I was not exactly a happy camper. The prelims went well but no other drag kings could make it but myself so we ended up just watching their videos from old shows. And my vice president who is performing but also running this event basically took my treasurer and me aside and told as we had taken over what was supposed to be his event. He was right, but rawr- why wait until after the fact to tell us? Meh, after that it was straight to RA hoopla and getting introduced to all the new RA's and discovering I didn't get the job I wanted. I feel like the crappiest RA on the face of the planet. I feel like I don't do enough programing or education or even get to know my residents enough. And part of me now just doesn't want to. I want to get an apartment with Brendan and go and start living my frickin' life without the responsibility of being an educator to 45 people who while wonderful aren't my main concern at the moment. Rawr the main reason of me writing this all out was to organize my thoughts to Brendan. I got to play last night. I'd like to say it was just a bit of fun with some other person whacking my back a bit but that would be a lie of omission. I need to talk to bren because it was a scene, and it was fun. The thing is Brendan is amazing, wonderful, caring, great in bed dedicated to work- I'm so ecstatic to be marrying him. He's open-minded in bed and has gone to great lengths to keep things fresh after 2 years together. I mean two nights ago he gave *me* massive multiple ejaculating orgasms- like 6 or 7 in one go- hell fucking yeah! My poor sheets, thank god the mattresses are plastic in the dorms- anyway the thing is although the scene last night was sexual in nature there was no sex, no nudity, no genital or breast touching and I didn't want there to be. I mean the guy I was sceneing with is a great guy but not someone I want to take to bed with- that's reserved for brendan. One of the local group's members was saying he had a vanilla wife, and yet he was the president of this kink group- and I had to ask how that would work. He said it was because she was wonderful and accepting and he loved her dearly. She tried to do what he liked in bed, but she was just humoring him and not really getting anything out of it herself. So he decided to give up the scene for many years. Later on he met an old friend at an SCA event of all places who happened to be giving a lecture on rope bondage- he'd no idea this friend was into the scene at all and after chatting with her he realized how much he missed it. So he had a long chat with his wife about it and they came to the agreement that him tying up naked ladies was one thing and him having sex with naked ladies was a completely different story all together. So he goes to events to do the former, comes home and doesn't wave it in her face but she knows about it just not details. And she'll come to some events like the massage nights that his groups does. So basically I want that, I want to come home every night and be with brendan, eat, sleep, have sex with brendan, live with him and be his wife and he my husband. I find other men attractive but what I've got at home is what attracts me the most. So why other people to give me a good whacking? because I like brendan the way he is and if I'm not completely wrong (which is a possibility) he doesn't mind the light stuff- like biting, some light spanking, etc but I can't really see him trussing me up with ropes and really banging me up. For us play always leads to sex- which is wonderful, but I sometimes want to scene without sex or sex even being a consideration- and that's what I got last night. *le sigh* I don't know if that's anymore clear than what was originally going thru my head but I'm worried that Brendan will feel threatened by the whole thing. I worried that he'll feel I cheated on him when I know I didn't. i don't want to feel insecure about our relationship, this is just a part of myself that I want to explore but I want him to be comfortable at the same time. Current Mood: confused Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
1:32 am	back to the grind so I dropped "belly dancing" during finals and then didn't pick it back up again- until now. i'm doing the three day diet of doom for the next 16 days- til I go home to Austin. I'm visiting my grandmother as she was terribly depressed on her birthday and I thought it would be a good way to cheer her up. Got into an interesting discussion today If a guy hasn't seen his friend in a while- months even- whats the first thing the friend says upon greeting? Bet you anything it's damn bob you old so and so you look great. and then goes on to conversation. But a woman in the same situation would get the comment- Damn Shelia, you old so and so, you look great, Have you lost weight? Seriously, it's how women compliment each other. It's always have you lost weight? or if you aren't looking as good- it's you've put on a few pounds. RAWR, whatever. This guy i was talking with just didn't get it, nor did he understand me dieting in preparation of going home. I want to get that compliment from my grandmother and the only way i'm doing that is to face the diet of doom Wish me luck xidaer (Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2008
12:06 am	Weekend recap! Falling off the bellydancing bandwagon So Friday I did in fact make it to the gym but only at the insistence of my Vice President of the Gay Alliance- I'd skipped class that day after a particularly intense group therapy session- I finally brought up my first Ex from Texas and got really, break-down and sob emotional. That bitch fucked me up and I'm still carrying scars. So now that it's out and open maybe I'll be able to heal and not be so fucked up in the head about it. As it was that whole session kinda marred my weekend enthusiasm, I'm only getting my groove back today. So Friday gym- 30 minutes elliptical and some apparently (according to VP) horrendous stomach crunches- I need to work on my form Was exhausted after shabbat- where i ate chocolate covered strawberries (divine) and three apple turnovers that I helped to make. Yes, I know what you're thinking- apple turnovers? aren't those pastries? And you know what? I helped make them so I helped to eat them. They were my first pastry since the cheesecake over a week ago and I hadn't had but one valentine's chocolate as of that time except for the strawberries. Anyway- I was up on Saturday at 5:50am for RA carousal day and worked until 2:30pm eating bagels and various snack foods throughout the day. Then I called my lab group sent them the powerpoint I'd made and collapsed for a couple of hours. Went to Vagina Monologues, ate dinner at Becca's then slept on her couch-- I did not go to the gym on Saturday. I do no feel particularly bad about that. Sunday- got home from Becca's waited for the gym to open and weighed in. The verdict: 40.7% fat 264.7 lbs I did elliptical for 15 minutes then went to the library for my study group. I ate too much valentine's chocolate today but at least it's gone now. So I'm going to do the gym again this week- craziness as this is the week before finals but necessary as I want the uber realistic goal of 30 lbs lost by my birthday. My b-day is May 16th- almost exactly 3 months away- that's 12 weeks. At a healthy weight loss of 2.5 lbs a week (which is healthy as it's only 10% of my total weight) I could totally pull it off. Anyway, a new goal to work for. Lots of love, xidaer Current Mood: sore Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Friday, February 15th, 2008
2:28 am	taking a break I didn't make it to the gym today- woke at 9, showered then ran to the library for a group project. Took brainwaves- I'll explain that another day, then worked out some notes for my presentation in Virology- then gave my presentation in Virology and watched everyone else's. debated skipping physics but decided against it despite being tired as heck. Went did a fun lab on lens and focal points. Worth staying awake for. Then went home on the bus- yes I know, scandalous, but at this point necessary. I was carrying my backpack with a biopack in it (again i'll explain that later too) A laptop case with tons of extra wiring and a projector. I was an audiovisual biologist on the run- so walking home wasn't exactly what i wanted to do. Then I picked up duty for another RA- his lab run late so he didn't pick it up until after 7 pm my lab partner didn't pick up the equipment until 7:30 and then I went to dinner with Brendan. It was lovely! Amazing and just plain fun. Ate Chinese, complained about the staff-they'd tried to push us into buying the two person dinner instead of splitting a dish like we normally do. I shut down the speech with an "I'm on a diet" and the waitress was rather snippy about it the rest of the night. Anyway, the conversation with bren was awesome, i talked bio him operating systems and then we went to dorm sweet dorm. Yay sex! Very, very good by and by. Lots of fun making out before and an attempt to ride him like a cowgirl-still needs work though.- laughs, practice makes prefect they say- who am i to deny such wisdom? Anyway, lounging then ensued, with light conversation going from me supposedly needing to eat my cowboy hat cause it's 100% natural (we get silly after sex) to me saying that plutonium is all natural too- leading to needing proof- yay for wikipedia. And somehow he brought up the inner core of the earth being liquid- no way! I pull up nasa and harvard (and wikipedia) all saying solid- it takes him 10 minutes but he finds an oxford article saying otherwise. Rawr- the world might never know. anyway- gym tomorrow! Love xidaer Current Mood: but sleepy Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
1:13 am	bellydancing- an update now that the evening is over I did in fact eat a ton of cheese, crackers, grapes and carrots- but i avoided all offers of cookies, cake and soda. Spent waaaay too much time at Jess' place watching Interview with a Vampire- seriously Antonio Banderas should have been kissed by Brad Pitt- I mean freaking seriously! Tension much? Accidentally left my water bottle over there but I've got a half liter disposable bottle here from a convenience store that I'll use until I get mine back So far so good, been going to the gym daily since Sunday and been drinking at least 64oz of water daily since Monday. Weigh in is in 4 days- or rather 3 since it will be first thing Sunday morning. I'm hoping for some improvement but if I can be below 260 that would be the most amazing shit ever! My throat is starting to hurt unfortunately but the rest of me feels rather good- although I need a shower desperately. I'm half hoping Brendan does something nice for me on Valentine's but I kinda doubt it- I've nothing really planned for him. The reason I keep labeling these things belly dancing is i was at a party right after new year's and everybody went around telling their resolutions. When I went, I said I wanted to learn how to belly dance. It's silly but my mom did it for a while when she was pregnant with my sister and never picked it back up again-- I wish she had. I'd like to learn it- but they don't offer it at school (yet they offer juggling, go figure) so this is my belly dancing instead. I'm trying to get to the point where I'll feel comfortable wearing those skimpy outfits belly dancers wear. I'm just hoping I don't burn out on the experience. I know a daily gym routine is tough to jump into but at the same time it feels necessary. As long as I keep logging my progress you'll know I'm keeping it up. Wish me Luck! or rather... Wish me hard work! xidaer Current Mood: pensive Current Music: gwen stefani (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
8:43 pm	belly-ness gym- 33minutes on elliptical runner including 5 minute cool down 391 calories burned did arm weights today- 3 of 12 at 37.5 rowing, 3 of 12 at 37.5 chest press, 2 of 12 at 18 biceps, 3 of 12 at 15 triceps, yay, now I'm skipping out on a gay alliance meeting because I thought I was going to cabaret- but tickets sold out. Now I'm going to be coloring with friends instead and eating way to many calories love much, xidaer Current Mood: calm Current Music: none (Comment on this)